“As long as you think that the cause of your problems is “out there” – as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering – the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” Byron Katie
Experts claim that 99% of our problems exist only because we are able to blame someone or something for our problems. The opposite of accepting responsibility is making excuses, blaming others and becoming upset, angry and resentful toward people for what they have done to you or not done for you.
Almost all negative emotions are manifested as anger directly inwardly or outwardly towards other people and circumstances. The only reason we experience anger is because we blame ourselves, someone or something else for our problems.
Blame is an excuse that you have given yourself. The only reason you want to blame someone or something else is to take the responsibility off your shoulders. By blaming another, you are giving them power over you. You focus on them so you do not have to look inward for the answers.
Taking responsibility for your life is imperative to healing from divorce and creating a life that you love. This means that you have to stop making excuses and stop blaming your ex, his girlfriend, the kids or your childhood on your current situation. It also means that you stop blaming your actions on your past.
You may saying but it’s true that …..
* My ex was distant, never paid attention to me and was unromantic
* My ex cheated on me
* My ex took off with a girl half of his age
* My ex left me and the kids with nothing
* My ex abused me - physically, verbally or financially
* My ex broke all of his promises to me
* My ex never gives me money for the kids
“There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God’s.” Byron Katie
Yes, the statements may be true. However these situations are not the cause of your current circumstances. What your ex did or did not do is his business. Your business is how you choose to respond to his actions. As long as you continue to blame him, you are allowing him to have control over you. Let go of the blame.
You need to take responsibility for your response to the situation and any part you may have played in creating it. I tis the thoughts that you have played over and over in your mind that has created you to feel anger, sad, depressed, hopeless, lonely, unworthy and believe that nothing is within your control.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
Wayne Dyer
You are unable to focus positive energy on creating the life you desire for yourself and your family – because all of your energy is being used negatively to blame someone or something else for all the problems in your life.
Let go of the blame and allow positive energy to flow into your life. Blame is a negative emotion. Your can’t have a negative and positive emotion at the same time. When you are busy playing the blame game – you won’t have the time or energy to correct the mistake.
Choose instead, to be grateful for what you do have. Look at the bright side of things. Concentrate on the current moment. If there is a circumstance that you do not like, brainstorm ideas of what you can do to change the way you feel. You may not be able to win back your ex’s love. You may never know the answer why. But you can choose to put these thoughts behind you and focus on the current moment. What is right in your life right now?
Let go of blame. Stop being a victim to other people and to circumstances. Choose to heal, love and find inner peace. When you find yourself slipping into old thought behaviors, start naming off everything you can to be grateful for - the sun, the leaves blowing in the wind, your health, your children, the grass in your yard, the food in your cabinet, your job, your parents, your friends, the kind grocery store clerk, the nice young man that held the door open for you …
Let Go of Blame:
1) Listen to your mind chatter.
What is it saying? If your mind consistently sounds like, “If only,” “I should’ve,” “He should’ve” etc, these are signs that you are blaming someone or something for your current circumstances. If you are making excuses, such as I cannot get a job because I’m too old, too young or not educated, ask yourself if anyone in your current situation has ever succeeded. If the answer is yes, then you are making an excuse. (blaming the fact that you do not have a job because you are too old, etc.)
2) Listen to how you speak.
Are you pointing fingers at other people or things? Are you speaking like a victim? When you verbalize blame, you are telling the world that you are not responsible and that nothing is your fault, you are just a poor victim in the big game of life. The sad part about this is that you are drawing in people who will use and manipulate you to get what they want - with no regards to your feelings, thus reinforcing your belief that you are a victim.
3) Choose to respond rather than react.
When you choose to respond, you are allowing yourself a few moments to think things through. What is the final consequence that you want to happen? Choose a response that is points in that direction. When you react, you are falling into habitual patterns of communication that you have developed throughout the years. Your reaction, rarely produces a result that you desire.
Become a happier more positive person by taking responsibility, letting go of blame, changing what you can and accepting what you can’t change. You can change your future – but not the past. You can change yourself - but not others.
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