My marriage of 15 years fell apart two years ago and I’m finding it hard to get over the hurt, anger and betrayal that I feel. My husband started a new relationship before he left me and our seven year old daughter. I obsess about him and his new partner, wishing terrible things would happen to them. I’ve chosen not to date anyone so I spend a lot of my time when I’m not with my child or at work, alone, isolated and sad. What can I do to help overcome my grief and feel free? ~ Nancy in New York
It sounds to me like you have not accepted that your marriage is over. A woman goes through the five stages of grieving after a divorce - just as she would if there was a death - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
It also sounds like you are really in the anger stage. You are angry for what he did, thus you wish terrible things to happen to them. You want revenge. You want them to hurt just as badly as he hurt you when he left.
You are living in the past. Every time you think of this situation, you are reliving the hurt and pain all over again. Your subconscious does not know the difference between past, present and future. Your subconscious takes every thought that you have and treats it like it was happening in the present moment.
You ask how you can overcome your grief and feel free. There are a few things that you must be willing to do:
1. Forgive your ex for hurting you. You may benefit from listening to my recording - 3 Steps to Forgive Betrayal. Forgiveness is key. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what happened. All it means is that you are setting yourself free from the past.
2. Find things that you enjoy and start doing them. If you don’t want to date - that is fine. You may not be ready to. However, that does not mean that you can’t go out and mingle with other single people, both men and women. Find a meet-up group in your area, take up a sport or join a club in your city. It’s important that you start living your life.
It’s going to be uncomfortable at first to forge ahead. Remember that it is ALL worth it at the end. If your goal is to be happy, it is imperative that you
1) choose to be happy
2) step out of your comfort zone
3) Start living your life as it is today - not what you thought it was going to be.
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