What Ghosts and Goblins are Haunting You?

Halloween is approaching and it got me to thinking that one of the reasons divorce is scary, is because of the ghosts and gremlins we hold onto. They can keep you frozen in fear, until you deal them, which will release you and empower you to move on into a brighter and happier place.
Since you began the divorce process, you may not even recognize who you are anymore. You had a certain routine from what you ate, how you spent your money, what you did for recreation and the dynamics of your family. Divorce is scary because all of these things are shifting. On one hand, you might feel that there is hope and joy for your future, and that some of your routines will stay the same. Mostly you are afraid of what the future will bring, you are afraid of the unknown. If you think about it, you never knew what the future would bring, you had only imagined what it would be like.

Divorce is scary because of the ghosts of your past. These ghosts may represent, “what was,” all of the happy memories that are swirling around in your head. There was a time where you were very happy with your former husband. You believed in the fairy tale that the two of you would grow old together and live happily ever after. These are the ghosts that whisper in your ear, if only, what if and I should’ve.

Another ghost represents beliefs and values that you were brought up with. You may believe that it is a sin because God hates divorce. Other beliefs include it is the woman’s responsibility to take care of the home, or her place is in the home. Some reason have been brought up to believe that a woman is nothing without a man. These ghosts of the past represent your family values and religious beliefs as well as your culture.

The gremlins are the voices in your head. During a divorce they come at you with mighty power and speed which is one of the principal reasons that divorce is scary. The leader of the gremlins usually tell you that you are not worthy of being in a happy, loving and lasting relationship. If you are a business woman, it may be telling you that you cannot have both a successful career and a relationship. The gremlin may even taunt you by telling you that the divorce is entirely your fault because you choose a career.

Another popular gremlin likes to tell you that your life is over. You will never be happy again and will be alone for the rest of your life. He likes to remind you of every single mistake that you have ever made as well as every single dirty rotten thing anyone has ever said to you. This gremlin is trying to destroy you and is using your divorce as a weapon.

The ghosts and gremlins want you to believe that divorce is scary. However, it does not have to be. You are smack dab in the middle of a major life transition. Your future is not set and stone, and it never was. Your future is a blank piece of canvas waiting to be filled. You are the artist and need the following tools in order to make it a masterpiece:

Responsibility: You need to take responsibility for any part you played for your marriage ending. It does not mean that you are a failure, it simply means that this particular relationship no longer serves you. You also need to be responsible for your thoughts and actions. Own them and accept them as a part of the magnificent woman that you are.

Clarity: Gather some clarity regarding the outcome of your divorce. What assets and belongings do you want to keep and why? What do you want a parenting schedule to look like? Being clear and fair about what you want the final outcome in your divorce to look like, puts you in the driver’s seat. It allows you to believe and feel that you do have some control over the conclusion. When you sense that you are in control, you are under less stress and able to face the gremlins head on and kick them to the curb.

Support: You need a good support team that includes an attorney that you feel comfortable with and understands your vision in regards to the divorce. Other support team members include a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CFDA) to assist you in making the wisest financial decision for your future and a therapist or a divorce coach, that is there to lean on emotionally as you grieve the death of your marriage and will help you to gain clarity on what is really important to you.