After your separation and divorce, it is vitally important for you to build empowering structures in your life. This enables you to create a new life that you love and enjoy, free of fear, regrets and anger. Many women remain emotionally and physically connected to their ex-husband in a variety of ways. When you are connected to your ex, it is very difficult to break free of him.
Keep in mind there is no winner in a divorce. It is not a contest. Everyone who goes through a divorce (including the children) will have their own emotional scars and wounds. These wounds do not need to control the rest of your life. Decide today to build empowering structures that enable you to live the happy and fulfilled life that you desire.
Ten Tips to Build Empowering Structures in Your Life
1. Acceptance
It is important to accept the past and the present. Accept everything just as it is. Most things in life are just our stories of what happened. There are many different stories to every situation. If you take away the strong emotional feelings you have towards a situation, what is left? It just is. You cannot change the past it is gone. Do not waste your precious moments of the present time, reliving the past pain and joy that you felt. Live each minute to its fullest. Experience the love and life that surrounds you right now. Tapping into your “Now” experiences will bring more happiness into your life and empower you to make the right choices at the right times.
2. Break Emotional Ties with Your Ex
The longer your marriage, the more difficult it may be to break the emotional ties with your ex. You may find that you want to call on him if your car breaks down or the water heater is making noises. You may want his advice on how to deal with your fears or concerns about life in general. Every time you turn to him for help, you are giving away your power and remaining connected to him emotionally. Make a list of people that you can call on in times of need. Alternatively, you are not your ex’s best friend. Do not listen to him hours on end regarding his problems or concerns. Discuss -and agree as much as possible - how you will raise your children. When you have the kids, discipline them as you see fit, there is no need to run to him to discuss every situation that comes up.
3. Set Boundaries with Your Ex
You are no longer his wife, stop acting as such. It is not your responsibility to care for him when he is sick, do his laundry or allow him to linger in your home because he has nowhere else to go. Your home is not his castle. He is a grown man and needs to learn to live his own life. His finances, job, and health are not your concern. If he winds up in jail, do not jump to bail him out. Let him find his own friends that will help him.
4. Severe Toxic Friendships
You may have been best friends with his sister for years. Unfortunately, this may be a relationship that you are not able to continue. Blood is almost always thicker than friendships. His family will usually take his side. If they do remain friends with you, it may be to gather dirt on you that he could use in the future. Be extremely careful with your relationships with his family. If you take the kids to see his mom, you can engage in small talk and let her know about the children’s health, activities, school etc. However, do not confide in her. Likewise, if you remain friends with his sister, you may need to set a rule that you will not discuss your ex and the ongoing problems you have with him. You will also need to be careful that your ex is not trying to send messages to you through his family.
5. Take Charge of Your Finances
Take control of your finances. Know exactly how much money you have and develop a budget. Save as much money as possible each month. You may want to set a goal that your do not use your child support and/or alimony as part of your monthly necessities. You never know when this income may end due to a loss of your ex’s job or if his health deteriorates. Instead, use this money for extra’s, such as dance lessons, camps or a birthday extravaganzas. You could also save a huge hunk of the child support for their education. Do not let your ex know about your financial affairs. Do not ask him for money. If he withholds payments or attempts to mandate how you spend the money, seek legal advice. The courts awarded it to you and it is your money to spend as you see fit.
6. Face Your Fears
Being single after years of marriage is a very very scary place to be. You may be afraid of being alone and relying only on yourself. You could be afraid of how you are going to pay your bills or what will happen if you get sick. It is a big scary world out there. Face your fears head on. After a few weeks of living by yourself, it will no longer be scary and you will probably begin to like the peace. It is nice to be able to go to sleep when you want, do the dishes in the morning or run around the house naked without anyone to tell you different. Make a list of everything that scares you and start tackling them one at a time. Remember this quote from the movie Shawshank Redemption “Fear will keep you prisoner. Hope will set you free.”
7. Be Responsible
Be responsible for yourself and yourself only. You have NO control over anyone or anything else. You are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions. State, “I am responsible” several times a day. When you are responsible, there is no room for hate, anger, blame and criticism. Many women concentrate on the ex, on his new life, his new love, his job, finances or whatever else is going on and think, “It is so unfair that he is so happy and I am so miserable.” You are disempowering yourself and creating your own agony by focusing on his life. Let him live his own life however, he chooses. It is his business not yours. Your life is your business so focus on it and start being responsible for yourself. Your concern should be about your own life and your own happiness. Stop complaining, get out there, and do something for yourself!
8. Find Your Passions
Find things in life that make you happy and bring you joy. If you do not know what that is right now, make a list of everything you can think of that makes you smile and that you think you may enjoy. Then get busy doing them. This is a great way to meet other people and develop new interests. Pursue what makes you happy. Keep your mind on living your life to the fullest in every given moment that you have. During your exploration, you will find confidence that you may have never knew existed inside of you. You will radiate with loving positive energy that will draw others to you.
9. Journal
Journaling is a great way to explore who you really are, to find your interests and dislikes. It is a way to sort through your problems, gain self-esteem and confidence and find your place in life. Make it a habit to journal every day. Just start writing your thoughts. Do not worry too much about proper grammar or if what you are writing even makes sense. You just want your thoughts to flow from your mind, heart and soul through your hand out onto the paper. No one ever needs to read your journals, and if you wish, you may burn them or throw them away periodacally. You could also journal on your computer using a password-protected page.
10. Build a Support System
We all need support. It is said that you are like the five people that you hang out with the most. Choose your friends wisely. Surround yourself by people who encourage you to reach for your dreams and are willing to listen to you when you are feeling down and out. Support can be found in person or virtually. Sometimes it is easier to pour your heart out to an online friend in a private forum or email. Your support system may be made up of family, friends, therapists and coaches. It can also include books or CDs from self-improvement speakers such as Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy and experts such as America’s inner peace coach Mary Allen.
Check out the New Beginnings Support Group, a safe nurturing place where you can heal, love and find inner peace.
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