“Fears are nothing more than a state of mind” Napoleon Hill
When going through a divorce one experiences a barrage of emotions. Within a 30-minute timeframe, you can go from anger, sadness, depression, laughing to full of fear and anguish. Oftentimes fear can begin an onslaught of more negative emotions. When going through a divorce or a breakup after a long term relationship many people report the following three fears of divorce.
1. The fear of being alone
2. The fear of never being happy
3. The fear of being poor and winding up a bag lady
Getting a divorce turns your world upside down and is a traumatic experience of all involved. The fears of divorce that you experience can all come down to one big fear – the fear of the unknown. Whether or not you instigated the divorce or you were blindsided, you are forced to step out of your comfort zone and leave the world as you know it behind.
“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” Marilyn Ferguson
Examine the Top Three Fears of Divorce more closely:
The fear of being alone can be represented on many different levels. You may be afraid of living alone. If you feel rejected, you could be afraid of never being loved again. Other fears of being alone, include loneliness, that your children will be taken away or that there will not be anyone for you in case you become ill or disabled. It is important to negate that being alone does not equal loneliness. In matter of fact, many people concur that there is nothing as lonely as being alone in a relationship.
The fear of never being happy again evolves majorly from grief that you feel over your divorce. You can’t imagine being happy without your spouse in your life. It is important to realize that true happiness comes from within you. You are a whole being with many desires, likes and dislikes. Start exploring new things to discover what brings you joy and what doesn’t.
The fear of being poor is often felt by the spouse with the least amount of income or stay at home parents. You may fear that you will not get the alimony or child support you need to survive. It might be very scary to think that you’ll have to live off your income alone, especially if you make considerably less than your spouse.
“There are four ways you can handle fear. You can go over it, under it, or around it. But if you are ever to put fear behind you, you must walk straight through it. Once you put fear behind you, leave it there.” Donna A. Favors
Nothing makes us more uncomfortable than fear. It will never go away. We can always find something to be fearful of. It is to our advantage to be fearful in the face of real threat, such as coming face to face with a rattlesnake, a bear or a thug. Our fight or flight instinct takes over in order to protect us.
However the top three fears of divorce do not put us in imminent danger. These fears are based on our thoughts alone. We are the cause of the fear. We are afraid of what may or may not happen.
Listed below, are some strategies to help you get into a mindset to overcome your fears of divorce. The more you practice these techniques, the less fear you will fear. When your thoughts are causing you to fear, step out of your comfort zone and face the situation head on. It will probably be a lot less scary than you think.
- Repeat to yourself over and over that your decisions are based on love. This includes love for yourself, love for your children, and love for others (such as helping others that are less fortunate then you.)
- Create a gratitude journal and list 5 things that you are grateful for every single day. Making a daily consistent habit of finding things to be grateful for will increase your happiness level within 30 days. When we look for things to be happy about, we will find them. Choose to make this a daily habit for the rest of your life and you will be amazed at how much happier and peaceful you become.
- Practice living in the present moment. Are you ok right this moment? Utilize your five senses, what do you see, hear, feel, taste and smell? Focus on what you are doing and realize that all is perfect at this moment in time. Our fears are often based on worry, we worry when we look at a future that may or may not happen.
- Analyze your fear. For instance, if you are afraid of being alone, what does that mean to you? Are you truly alone if you have family and friends that love you? For some reason, society has made us believe that if we are single we are alone.
- Your thought process …
- Accept the worst case scenario. When you can mentally accept the worst possible scenario you can think of, there is nothing left to be fearful of. For example, if you can accept that you might wind up a bag lady, then it isn’t so scary to think of yourself being there.
- Determine what the very best outcome you could think of, such as landing a dream job that enables you to be financially independent. Now create a plan of action to get there.
- Get to work taking every action that you can to get the best possible scenario.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon
