During and after a divorce you may be faced with the dreaded act of meeting the other woman.
If you have children at home, the other woman may have contact with them while visiting their father. The way you deal with his situation will have a huge impact on both your life and the lives of your children.
You may hate the other woman, and blame her for ruining your marriage. Back up for a minute.
Is it really ALL her fault?
Did she seduce and/or brainwash your ex to have an affair with her?
Did she threaten your ex?
Did she really set out for the sole intention of ruining your marriage?
You need to ask yourself, what role did your ex play in the affair?
The truth is that your ex was lacking something he needed and felt that the other woman was fulfilling it. For whatever reason, you were unable to fill that need at that particular point in time. It happened. It was out of your control. Blaming the other woman, your ex or some other person or event is not going to change what happened.
Do not drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. Do not compare yourself to the other woman and MOST OF ALL do not believe that you are unworthy of being loved.
An important note to mention is that the other woman may not be someone your ex was physically involved with during your marriage. He may have been having a very strong emotional affair with her – either in person or online. During the marriage, he may not have believed that he was doing anything wrong and moved on with her after he left you. Many people do not realize that a woman, who was betrayed, either physically or emotionally, have the same issues to deal with.
Forgive your ex and the other woman! Accept the fact. You cannot change it. By holding on to the anger and blame, you are only punishing yourself further. Your anger and resentment hurts no one but you. Wish your ex well. Forgive them for hurting you and choose to take control of your own life and be happy. Remember the quote by Abraham Lincoln, “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Your happiness and peace of mind is up to you – by choosing which thoughts to dwell on.
Speak to someone about your feelings. Find a trusted friend, therapist or life coach that can help you accept what happened as well as deal with feelings such as unworthiness, rejection, anger, blame and fear. When you get a divorce, it is normal to go through the grieving stages. You need to grieve your marriage and grieve what would have been in order to let go of the past and start living.
DO NOT talk to your children about your feelings, your ex or the other woman. It is not fair to them to put them in the middle. They love their father and they love you. Do not ask your children questions about their father or the other woman. When they tell you stories, listen and acknowledge what they say, but do not drill them for more information.
Speak to your ex amicably regarding disciplinary actions that you feel the other woman should and should not take. You should discuss bed times, what is and is not allowed, so that the children will have the same basic rules in both homes. The children are both of yours. Learn to put your personal feelings aside for their sake.
Smile and speak pleasant to the other woman when you see her at school or family functions. If you lose control and lash out at her, you will appear to be the crazy one. Remember, your children are watching how you treat her, whether you realize it or not.
