One of the things women often tell me is, “I just want to stop thinking about him!” The truth is you will never stop thinking about him, however, you can think of him without the pain.
37 years ago today, I thought I was marrying the love of my life, and I definitely thought it was for a lifetime. Divorce wasn’t even a possibility in my mind 37 years ago. I remember hearing about people that divorced after 20 years, and absolutely couldn’t understand it, until it happened to me.
I can remember the fear, the anguish, the anger, the hopelessness as well as feeling like I was the ugliest woman that ever lived, would never find anyone to love me and was doomed to a lifetime of loneliness. I also wondered how would I support myself and my teenagers. I remember thinking that life wasn’t worth living if Earl didn’t love me. Even when I left him, I believed that something magical would happen and he would love me again and beg for me to come back.
I spent lots of sleepless nights, lost about 30 pounds in 2 months. I cried so much that it’s amazing I didn’t drown in my own tears. I used to imagine horrible things happening to Earl and his lady friend. Secretly, I used to pray that Earl would die.
Everyone around me kept telling me that I was better off without him. I didn’t think so. And, if I voiced my feelings of love for Earl, they would tell me I was crazy or wasn’t really in love with him. I felt as if no one understood me. I felt so very very alone!
Then an amazing thing happened, I realized that I was more alone in my marriage, than I was at that point in my life. It was miserable being alone and lonely when I was in a relationship. Being single, meant that I was free to do things as I, rather than we. I didn’t expect anything from anyone but myself.
I pulled myself together and started doing things that I enjoyed. I hung out with lots of single people, both male and female. I was learning about myself and who “Cindy” is without being “Earl’s wife” or the “Boss’es wife.” I didn’t have to answer to anyone about how late I stayed up, if I left dishes in the sink, about what I wore or how I fixed my hair.
Here I am 17 years later, helping other women go through one of the worst times in their life. I love giving you hope. If nothing else, let me be a beacon of hope for you, that things can be AMAZINGLY better!
I am earning a living doing what I love. I have a husband who adores me and is 100% accepting and supportive of me. I truly enjoy life being me. I look forward to the years to come.
Also, I thank Earl for giving me two beautiful children. I thank him for the good times that we shared. I thank him for being the asshole that he was, as it made/forced me to believe in myself and gain the confidence and courage to be me.