I just wish I could believe that you would be able to help me but the fact that you “took the power and walked” gets in the way of my feelings that we are alike. He walked- He took the power. Any stories that “he” is suffering is crap. He chose this. I was suddenly worthless and thrown away like trash by him and his followers. I was totally blindsided and unaware. 25 years married, 30 together. Thought we were friends. We promised daily our love to each other. Everything was a lie. 18 months separated and 5 messed up children. I don’t believe we are on the same “team.” If your husband was abusive, I get that and could understand and even support walking. The fact that I’m supposed to be ok and accept that suddenly I am “like a sister” to him and to “move on” and be ok with him and her in my face and in my children’s is ludicrous. 18 months and he’s done nothing to start the divorce. The divorce I never wanted. He wants me to “own” my part in “it.” Well, I didn’t lie and have adulterous relationship then blame it on him. His life here on earth is “gifted” while I struggle, every single day. He wants me to file so, the kids “blame” me. I’m not sure how someone who walked away, unless for abuse, can help. I’m glad your new life is so awesome. I’m too old now for awesome anything. ~Amy from North Carolina
Thank you for taking the time to write. Just the act of doing this shows me that you really want to heal from the grief you are feeling and be able to move forward from this rejection. I also want to thank you for your honesty regarding your feelings.
First off, whether a woman left or was left, the end of a marriage creates a feeling of rejection in the woman. If a woman did not feel rejected, she would never file for divorce in the first place. Yes, I took the power back - by taking control of my life and not letting my ex continue to control me. However, I still had to face the rejection, I had to do a lot of work to gain the confidence and courage to leave him.
Please understand that my ex, Earl was very mentally abusive and controlling - However, I did not realize this while I was married to him. I was deeply in love with him. I can make him sound like the greatest guy that ever lived, or the worst, depending upon which stories I choose to tell you. It wasn’t until I left him that I realized the internal damage from his mental abuse and rejection. One of the key factors of me leaving/feeling rejected is the fact that he was having an emotional affair with another woman. This went on for the last 7 years of my marriage. I have a few articles on my site about my life. You might be interested in reading my blog post about my rejection and betrayal.
I also want to let you know that I have helped many women in similar situations. I had a client, I’ll call Lynn. Lynn and her husband got up and had breakfast together as usual. He kissed her good-bye, said he loved her and went to work. 30-minutes later just as Lynn was leaving for work she was served divorce papers. She was blindsided by her husbands rejection of her. He wouldn’t answer her calls, texts or emails. He didn’t respond to the children. No word from him except in court. I began working with Lynn about six months after this incident. Within another six months, Lynn was back on her feet. Her business was booming. She began going out with new found girlfriends and was enjoying her life and had a clear plan of her future. Lynn contributes her quick recovery to the techniques she learned from me.
Another client, I’ll call Tammy was blindsided by her ex-husbands rejection of her after 18 years of marriage. Tammy never wanted children. Her husband knew this. Then out of the blue he told her that he still loved her but was not happy and wanted a divorce so he could find someone to have children with. Tammy couldn’t believe her ears. She was shocked. She felt rejected and betrayed. He never even asked her if she would reconsider having children. As a matter of fact they had been planning a trip to Europe. I began working with Tammy about two weeks after she was blindsided. She worked with me for a year. She also contributes her quick recovery to the methods I teach. Tammy is happier and more confident than she ever thought possible.
With my help both Lynn and Tammy were able to identify how they contributed to the breakup. They also discovered pieces of themselves that they gave up all in the name of the marriage. Often times, women find that they gave up these pieces, believing that it was a compromise, and for the good of the marriage. Though compromise is good, sometimes women give up too much of themselves and then their identity becomes wife and mother. What I do is help women come to peace with what happened, so that they do not live in the pain of the past. I also help them discover their own unique, beautiful strong self, so that they can gain confidence, clarity and courage as they begin the next chapter of their life.
Even though some of my articles may speak of his side as well as yours the way I assist women is by helping them focus their energy on themselves rather than the ex.
I do understand the feelings of worthlessness and rejection, being thrown away from trash. I understand that you were blindsided. You stated, “The fact that I’m supposed to be OK and accept that suddenly I am “like a sister” to him and to “move on” and be ok with him and her in my face and in my children’s is ludicrous.” The fact is that you can’t change what’s happened. However, if you are open to refocusing your energy on yourself, you can have a happier and more peaceful life. You are not too old to have an awesome life. I have seen women in their 70’s get a divorce and find a happier new life. Believe in yourself. You are stronger than you think you are. With effort, you can have an awesome “rest of your life!”
You also mention, “I’m not sure how someone who walked away unless for abuse can help.” This leads me to believe that you were in an abusive relationship. As, I said earlier, Earl was verbally abusive and very controlling. You really do not know who can help you or not, unless you put forth the effort to talk to divorce coaches and other professionals that may be able to help you. As a coach, I help women focus on the present moment and their future, and do not continually rehash the past. If you would like to schedule a time to have a “Getting Unstuck” session with me at no cost to you, then visit http://www.coachingfordivorcedwomen.com/getting-unstuck.
Regardless, if you wish to speak to me or not, I strongly encourage you to speak to someone. I truly wish for you a happier and more peaceful life.