Little Christy sits waiting for daddy to come. She has glorious plans for the week-end and is so excited about seeing him. Her bags are packed sitting by the door. She keeps looking out the window in anticipation. As nighttime approaches, she begins to cry, “Daddy’s not coming.” Christy’s mom, Carol is furious that he is so irresponsible and doesn’t appear to care about his child.
Laura’s former husband is parading around town spreading lies about her. She is so upset, she can’t understand how he could be so cruel after everything she did for him. She wonders how she can make him stop these vicious rumors.
Rhonda’s former husband announced his engagement to a woman half his age before their divorce was even final. He posts all of these happy pictures on Facebook of them. Rhonda is furious that he is so happy while she is so miserable.
What do the previous scenarios have in common?
All the women are wishing that their former spouse was someone different than who he is.
They are who they are – Accept it!
As Byron Katie says, there is Gods business, my business and your business. When you are consumed with what your prior husband is or is not doing, you are all in his business. Meanwhile who is caring for your business?
Answer the following questions:
- Do you really want to dictate how your former husband chooses to be in this world; who he is?
- Would you want your former husband to sacrifice who he is simply to make you happy?
- He has his own journey – his own choices in life.
You cannot change him. Trying to change him is like pushing against a brick wall trying to push it forward 6 inches. The harder you push, the more tired and stressed you feel. The brick wall doesn’t go anywhere.
Remember that regardless of how he acts or what he says, it does not define you. If he is not being a good father and your child is hurt by it, remind yourself that you cannot be sad enough to take away her tears and you cannot be angry enough to make her happy.
You may have to be the bigger person by letting his words and actions pass you by like clouds in the sky. His actions can only affect you if you allow them to.
One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt. “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
You can replace the word inferior with any other emotion –
- “No one can make you feel angry without your permission.”
- “No one can make you feel sad without your permission.”
- “No one can make you feel unworthy without your permission.”
- “No one can make you feel loved without your permission.”
- “No one can make you feel happy without your permission.”
As I said earlier, your former husbands thoughts, words and actions do not define you. Choose to take the high road. Choose to be the better person. Accept him for who he is, because you are never going to change him.
Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
Don’t worry about who he is. Focus on yourself and learn to live in the moment.