Before my divorce, I was very active in a non-denominational church. I taught Sunday School, was in charge of the girls group (similar to Girl Scouts) and actively involved with the women’s group. My ex rarely – if ever attended church.
I believed the women I attended church with were very good friends. I was very close to one particular friend, I will call Sue. Sue and her husband often came to my house for dinner and my family would go to hers. Her husband was a friend with my ex. Sue was even my co-leader in the Girl Scout troop I led.
When my marriage began going downhill, I looked for council in the church. They were very non-supportive in dealing with my fears and seemed to care less about what was going on in my household. In matter of fact the pastor of the church, told me that I needed to make Jesus my husband. This was very strange advice to me then – and now.
For years, I prayed and attempted to immerse myself in the Bible and be the type of wife that God wanted me to be. There came a time where I really wanted my ex to just die. I would find myself wishing he would have a car accident and even praying that he would just die. No one in the church seemed to care about the suffering and turmoil I faced on a daily basis in my home – even Sue. They just preached that I was supposed to obey God’s word.
I knew I really did not want my ex to be dead – I just wanted the pain and loneliness I felt to go away. I decided that the best course of action was to leave my ex. I figured that God wanted me to happy.
WOW! I was not ready for the condemnation I faced from my so-called friends. They were so non-supportive that I quit going to the church. My friend Sue went so far as to take me to lunch and lecture me that God really did not care if I was happy or not. I had no biblical grounds for divorce and therefore I was disobeying God. I felt like the biggest sinner ever.
This was interesting to me – because my ex was having an emotional affair with another woman and put my needs and wants last. Though he never physically beat me, he ridiculed me and constantly put me down, stating I could do nothing right.
I stopped going to church. No one ever called to see how I was doing. No one ever came by. No one from the church gave me the support that I needed to heal.
Fortunately, I had a few good life-long friends and my sister who supported me whole-heartedly. Their love and the mentoring of a coach is what got me through the darkest and scariest days of my life.
If you are being treated like an outcast at your church, Let’s talk! Click here for a complimentary 60-minute session.
lisa says
The same exact thing happened to me. I stopped that church and I don’t want to go to any church again. I feel betrayed by those so-called Christians. I have become bitter toward most people, esp. church goers.
Lisa,
Believe me I understand your bitterness! However, it is of utmost importance that you forgive them. You are forgiving in order to allow yourself to heal. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what they did/said and it does not mean you have to communicate with them. My Support Group http://Group.CoachingForDivorcedWomen.com will be discussing all aspects of forgiveness during this months call. Check it out.
Wishing you a lifetime of peace and happiness!
Cindy
Helena says
Oh Cindy, I am so sorry. I can’t apologize on behalf of an entire group of people, but let me assure you that Jesus wouldn’t have treated you that way. He was sweet to broken people, He could see pain and struggle. He would (and still does) stick up for YOU. People forget that God isn’t just a book. They take scripture coldly and throw it around like daggers. I, too, am divorced. My ex cheated, and yours cheated. Abuse of any kind (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, spiritual) and unfaithfulness ARE what you’d call “deal breakers” and it sounds to me that you really did commit and you really did love Earl. He did not love you or commit to you. When you needed him the most, he wasn’t there. Do not let anybody, ANYBODY, misrepresent Jesus and wound you on His behalf. He doesn’t think you’re a bad person. In fact, He died to keep people like THAT from having any grounds on staking that claim, no matter what you’ve ever done. You are full of joy and hope, you help women (that’s my passion too) but you know better that this life is a vapor and that we are promised so much more than the here and now. You have hopefully felt God, maybe through songs, maybe through prayer,maybe through a sky that is so lovely that it reminds you we aren’t accidentally here. That our loving Father created beauty and He didn’t hold back any beauty when He fashioned you. I hope I am able to heal church wounds on Christ’s behalf, by having a genuine community of women who LOVE because they were first loved by God. Being a godly woman doesn’t mean you bow to a man who is unfaithful and treats you abusively. Whoever told you that has no idea who Jesus is and how much He loves you. You have a good heart and I’m glad I found your site
Thanks Helena,
I believe that I have gone through everything that I have in order to love and support other women that are going through similar situations. Nothing happens by accident.
Donna says
So sorry for your pain and for the treatment you received from those who call themselves Christ followers. I cannot apologize for those people but know that God loves you and wants you happy and walking in faith. I also went through losing friends from a divorce but I never experienced what you did with my church. I give credit to God and my church that I survived at all. The power of prayer is an amazing thing. I pray you are able to forgive those from your previous church and that God places the right people in your life to remove those feelings and views. God bless and thanks for sharing your story.
Charlotte says
I’m just beginning the judgement. I am a Chrsitian leader who suffers emotional abuse. I have clung to the word of God for years and I have nothing left. I was released from a committee where I have served for standing up for myself. I am sad for the lack of compassion but I know God uses all things.